This morning as I was going on my Saturday walk as I came near to my home, my neighbor Jennifer asked how I was. I said “ok”, “Just ok?” She replied . “Yeah, I’m ok just feeling melancholy” she then said that she was lift me up in prayer. The funny thing is I hadn’t really realized that I was feeling that way until she asked. But yes I am feeling melancholy.
Momma has been doing well….but she has begun her not eating spell again. She holds her lips together when trying to feed her or when you give her a sip from her sippy cup. She went through this about four or five months ago and then recovered so I’m not sure what to think this go around. The ups and downs of caregiving just seem to weight on me today, never really knowing when the “end” will come wondering if I will be ready.
I know I’m shouldn’t try to “plan” for her last day. Of course not speaking about the documentation that is needed and in our case already prepared. I’m talking about how I will feel when she is really gone. Gone gone. It brings tears to my eyes yet I know that in the middle of the tears there will be a release and a freedom. Freedom to step into the next chapter of my life.
Caregiving.....Screaming is allowed! 