Emotionally spent

Yesterday I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry. The truth, is for the last couple of months my emotions have been just underneath the surface. For anyone interacting with me they see a funny, active women who is pursuing her dreams. Underneath I have deep sorrow and sadness. In watching the various TV programs that I do…I’m a nerd so my programs are PBS! Many “experts” are saying do the the pandemic and the political toxicity that exist today, many people are suffering from a mild to moderate depression.

Well, I too suffer that way. A feeling of hopelessness but I know that for me the cause is due to watching my mother slowing die!!! She’s dying plan and simple. Yesterday it was so hard to get her to eat her breakfast. I had to place it in her mouth and then she would hold it. Not swallowing . I wanted to just strangle her. I wanted to scream and yell and tell her how difficult it is to help her and to feed her. I wanted to shake her and make her open her eyes and see the anxiety she was causing.

But, my rational self told me that my mother wasn’t doing any of this on purpose. IF she were in her right mind, she wouldn’t do this. So then I turned to God. Yep, I was mad with the very being who breath life into me! I was pissed and I wanted to scream at God and yell at the top of my lungs “Why would you allow me to experience this? It isn’t fair and it damn sure isn’t fun!” Then the Holy Spirit in me reminded me that God is good and that although this is a crap sandwich…He will see me through.

So yesterday, after I fed my mother breakfast I went about my day. Working on my school group project, writing more of my novel and then bringing her out into the den for her mani pedi. I soaked in the tub and just chilled. This morning I awoke with a quietness in the house. I thought “is today the day Jesus calls momma home?’ I was scared because as much as I don’t want to go through this process I don’t want to see my mother go either. So I lay awake with the silence, then I heard the familiar sound of her lightly grinding her teeth. I smiled and got up.